Throw Books: A Mental Framework for Happiness

The Shift

Throw Books: A Mental Framework for Happiness

My 11-month-old was in my office, pulling books off the shelf and tossing them on the floor one by one.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Like a tiny, determined librarian having a mental breakdown.

I was on the phone, watching the chaos unfold. My friend asked what the noise was. I told her.

Laughing. "Are you going to stop him?" she asked.

I smiled. “Nah.”

"We need more of that in our lives."

"More of what?"

She read me this quote from her wall: "A secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be."

She's right.

The Invisible Rulebook

Most of us live with an invisible rulebook in our heads that robs us of joy, calm, and peace.

In that moment, my rulebook might have said: "My kid is making a mess. I should stop him." versus "My kid is happy and learning how to use his little body."

Look by all means, if your kid is about to touch a hot stove, yes you should stop them.

But most "shoulds" aren't hot stove situations—they're bookshelf situations. And when we treat a bookshelf like a hot stove, life becomes unnecessarily limited and rigid.

"We largely create our own emotional consequences by how we choose to view things." Noted Albert Ellis.

The “Should” Categories That Bind Us

In my clinical work and in my own life, I've observed some "shoulds" buckets you might be familiar with:

Past Regret Shoulds

• "I should have known better."

• "I should've said something."

• "I should have seen the signs."

• "I should have handled that differently."

• "I should have prioritized that thing."

These are typically laced with rumination, grief, and shame. They often come with unattainable standards and imagined self-betrayal. They're attempts to rewrite the past in the illusion of control.

Achievement & Status Shoulds

• “I should be further along by now.”

• “I should be making more money.”

• “I should have figured out my purpose.”

• “I should be married / have kids / own a home already.”

These are fueled by comparison, ambition, or internalized standards—often inherited from culture, school, or parental expectations—and mistaken for internal values.

Identity & Self-Worth Shoulds

• “I should be more confident.”

• “I should be stronger than this.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “I should not need help.”

• “I should be over this by now.”

• “I should have let that go by now.”

Perhaps the most dangerous because they quietly shape your view of who you are. These "shoulds" build invisible cages around emotional expression and growth. They masquerade as virtue but often carry subtle self-rejection.

Relationship & Social Shoulds

• “I should always be there for them.”

• “They should appreciate what I do.”

• “I should be a better parent / partner / daughters or son/friend.”

• “People should respect me.”

• “I should keep the peace.”

• “They should have realized that would hurt me.”

These focus on roles, loyalty, and responsibility, and often collide with our own value systems. The tension here is often between authenticity and belonging. We are wired for connection and more often than not, we will choose belonging over alignment with ourselves. It keeps the relationship safe. These shoulds can also lead to resentment and anger as they involve expectations of others and their actions. When people don’t live up to those expectations it creates tension.

Catching Yourself in the Act

There's likely no way for us to escape "should" thinking completely, but you can catch yourself in the act when you're "should-ing all over yourself," as Tony Robbins says.

Countless philosophers and psychologists have observed that we suffer not from events themselves but from how tightly we fuse with our thoughts about those events. Steven Hayes calls this "cognitive fusion"—when we become so entangled with our thoughts that we mistake them for reality.

Letting the situation be what it is means detaching from rigid expectations that it should be different. When we resist reality, it causes distress and emotional pain. Accepting reality means reducing the delta between expected and actual, thus lessening suffering.

Acceptance Is Not Passivity

You might wonder: "Am I just supposed to not care anymore? Just accept things as they are and do nothing?"

No. I'm not calling for you to live in a passive, apathetic, or disengaged way.

Acceptance doesn't preclude action—it's the precondition for effective action.

When you stop fighting ghosts of how the world "should" be and deal directly with how it is, that's when you can actually change reality.

This psychological flexibility allows you to pivot, adapt, observe, and say, "Eh, it's fine." Let the kid throw books. Worst case? I pick them up later. Best case? I learn how to stop being a perfectionist.

A Mental Framework for Letting Go of "Shoulds"

Next time you notice a "should" pop up, try this mental experiment—adjusting your internal reference point instead of trying to control external outcomes:

Energy Check

What does holding this "should" feel like in my body? How does it alter my mood? Is it leading to greater clarity and calm, or tightness, reactivity, and control?

Thinking Check

Use a "should" against a "should":

• "I should have known better." Should you have, or were you working with all the information you had at the time?

• "They should know that hurts my feelings." Should they? Should they be expected to read your mind and remember all your pain points?

• "I should be married by now." Should you? Who told you that? Why is that pressure there?

Value Check

• Is this "should" kind to myself (or others)?

• Is this "should" fair to myself (or others)?

• Is this "should" reasonable?

• Is this "should" mine or inherited?

• Is this "should" serving me?

The Inner Shift

The next time you feel yourself constricting around a "should," remember the books on the floor. Remember that you have a choice. You can exhaust yourself trying to maintain what you think the moment should be verse accepting what it is. What would it be like if you let go of this "should"?

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