Thinking Instead of Feeling: How Intellectualizing Disconnects You from Emotion

The Shift

Thinking About Feeling

Have you ever noticed how we speak about feelings?

“I feel like you don't care about me." 

“I feel like this always happens to me.”

“I feel like you’re being disrespectful.”

“I feel like no one ever understands me.”

While these statements sound emotional, none of them actually include the person's feelings. 

But we all talk like this. It's become such a cultural norm to intellectualize our emotional experience that we barely notice we're doing it. We tell a  thought-story rather than experience an authentic encounter with what's actually being felt. 

It protects us from the risk of vulnerability while painting the illusion of emotional openness. 

This has happened for a few reasons. Ever since the Enlightenment declared feelings the enemy of reason, we've developed sophisticated ways to reference emotions without actually inhabiting them. 

It has since created an unspoken social contract — the more "together" and controlled you appear, the more employable, likable, and fundamentally safe you are.

Vulnerability is viewed as "messy" and unprofessional. Basically we’re told “Go talk to your therapist about that but don’t bring your shame and frustration to this meeting. We don’t have time for that.”

This subtle linguistic habit also emerges from both personal and collective experiences of emotional unsafety. Many of us grew up in households, schools, and cultures where expressing raw emotion led to punishment, dismissal, or that particular kind of neglect that teaches you to never risk it again. We learned early that feelings were a dangerous territory. 

So we all keep playing the game. 

It’s a brilliant protective mechanism really, until you realize it's keeping you from the very thing you're seeking.

I’m sure you’re starting to wonder how to change this. Here’s what an emotion-based expression for “I feel like you don’t care about me” actually sounds like: “I feel hurt and lonely because we haven't spent meaningful time together lately." 

You shift from interpretation to sensation, from analysis to presence. 

True emotional presence often exists in the spaces between words. It lives in the tightening of a throat, the clench of a stomach, the heavy swell of a heart. 

Eugene Gendlin, who spent decades studying how people actually change, coined the term "felt sense" to describe our capacity to tune into nonverbal bodily knowing, the way our body holds information that our minds haven't yet organized into thoughts.

When we stay with these sensations rather than rushing to define or defend them, we encounter ourselves with startling honesty. And when we speak from that place rather than about it, we invite intimacy and connection, which is exactly what we are truly craving. 

How to Shift from Thought to Feeling

Here’s a simple process you can try in real time or in reflection:

1. Pause: Notice if you said “I feel like...”, “I feel that...”, “I feel as if...”, this usually indicates a thought not a feeling.

2. Drop the Story: Thought-feelings often trigger defensiveness or confusion. Gently set aside “why” or “who’s at fault.”

3. Go to the Body:

   • Ask: “Where do I feel this in my body?”

   • Look for sensations: tightness, heaviness, tingling, hollowness.

4. Name the Core Emotion:

   • Use a feelings list if you’re stuck.

   • Ask: “Is this sadness? Anger? Fear? Shame?”

5. Stay With It:

   • No need to fix or analyze—just allow yourself to feel it, as it is.

   • Real feelings foster connection, empathy, and healing.

The Essentials

Your Weekly Toolkit

HOW TO FEEL PEACE AMIDST HIGH STRESS

A short guided meditation brought to you by Tim Ferriss as part of his new experiment called Meditation Monday. The teacher, Henry Shukman, has been on his podcast twice before. He is one of only a few dozen masters in the world authorized to teach Sanbo Zen, and now, he’ll be your teacher.

LEARN MORE →

FEEDBACK WHEEL

Terry Real's Feedback Wheel is a communication tool designed to help couples express difficult feelings constructively in relationships. It follows four structured steps: "What I saw/heard," "What I made up about it," "How I felt," and "What I’d like instead." This approach reduces blame, promotes accountability, and invites collaboration by focusing on personal experience and specific requests.

LEARN MORE →

HOW ART CAN HEAL

The MoMA Magazine article “The Healing Power of Art” explores how engaging with artworks can foster emotional well-being, presence, and a sense of belonging, even amidst trauma or chronic pain. Through personal reflections and guided somatic activities, the author highlights how color, shape, and meditation offer new avenues for self-expression, connection, and healing within community.

LEARN MORE →