Are you paying attention?

Recently, I came across a striking comment on one of Andy Puddicombe's meditations. A father wrote: "My son was having anger. We did this meditation together. He felt some relief and we got some father son time together. We are new to this but feel strongly that we have some new coping skills here with you. Thank you so much."

What caught my attention wasn't just the touching moment between father and son, but that curious phrasing: "having anger"

This seemingly small grammatical difference reveals something profound about our relationship with emotions. When we say "I am angry," we're essentially declaring that anger is our identity – we become inseparable from the emotion itself. But "having anger" creates a subtle yet powerful distance. It evokes an image of someone holding anger in their palms, examining it with curiosity rather than being consumed by it.

In therapeutic circles, we call this "externalization" – the practice of seeing our emotions, problems, and challenges as separate from ourselves, imagining them as something outside our core being. It's a deceptively simple cognitive shift that can transform how we handle everything from fleeting irritation to persistent anxiety. The difference between "I am depressed" and "I am experiencing depression" isn't mere semantics – it's drowning versus learning to swim.

I often tell my clients to think of emotions as breadcrumbs. In the famous fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel, the children drop breadcrumbs along their path in the forest, hoping to use them as a guide to find their way back home. Similarly, our emotions act as markers, trying to guide us somewhere important—back to our true selves. Just like Hansel and Gretel had to trust the breadcrumbs to lead them out of the dark woods, we can trust our emotions to illuminate the path toward understanding, healing, and alignment with who we truly are.

The fascinating paradox is that the very feelings we're most desperate to escape – anger, sadness, fear (the dark woods) – are often pointing us toward exactly what needs our attention. It is the path we have to follow.

Seeing the Breadcrumbs These breadcrumbs appear in various forms, each offering its own unique guidance through our inner landscape.

1. Emotional Breadcrumbs 

I often get asked in therapy, "What's the point of sitting with negative emotions? How is feeling bad going to help me?"

Unprocessed emotions—particularly those tied to pain, trauma, or loss—can get stuck in the body and mind, leading to dysregulation, anxiety, depression, or relational difficulties. Emotions are not only essential for survival and adaptation but also have the power to move us through pain and into growth and healing.

They create shifts in the nervous system that foster integration, connection, and self-compassion. By allowing ourselves to fully feel and experience waves of core emotions, while staying regulated, it can lead to transformation. What once was sadness, after being processed and experienced, turns into relief, pride, or gratitude, and with it comes a sense of clarity or integration.

2. Somatic Breadcrumbs 

For those who've spent years disconnected from their emotional landscape, or who never developed the vocabulary to navigate it, these signals might be easier to notice in the form of physical sensations, unexpected memories, or recurring patterns of behavior. The trail exists – we just need to learn to recognize it.

Emotions live in the body and they show up as tightness, pressure, warmth, or other physical sensations. When we follow these physical sensations (tight chest, clenched fists, fluttering stomach), they offer us clues to the emotions driving them. This grounding might not "solve" the emotion, but it helps us move through it instead of getting stuck.

3. Image Breadcrumbs 

Images or memories that appear repeatedly in our minds—whether vivid or abstract—often act as breadcrumbs, leading us to something unresolved, unprocessed, or deeply meaningful.

These "mental pictures" might arise when you're triggered, when reflecting, or even out of nowhere, seemingly unprovoked. Yet their appearance is rarely random—they hold symbolic or emotional significance and often point us toward areas of our inner world that need further attention or healing.

Images often arise from the subconscious, bypassing the rational mind. Sometimes it's easier to understand a metaphorical image than to articulate raw emotions. For example, picturing a "cracked vase" might help someone express their sense of fragility or brokenness.

They can appear as: A specific memory from your past (e.g., a scene from childhood) An abstract image (e.g., a cloudy sky, a broken bridge, or a door) A symbolic representation of an emotion (e.g., feeling weighed down and visualizing a heavy chain or burden) A fleeting snapshot of a recent or long-forgotten experience.

4. Pattern Breadcrumbs 

Patterns in our behaviors, relationships, and situations often act as breadcrumbs, pointing us toward deeper wounds. These patterns are rarely accidental—they tend to emerge from our past experiences, conditioning, or attachment styles. By noticing and exploring these repetitive tendencies, we can uncover emotional truths and begin to break free from cycles that no longer serve us.

• Behavioral Patterns: Repetitive behaviors, like avoiding certain people, places, or conversations, or patterns of reactivity to stress, can be breadcrumbs that guide us toward emotional truths. 

• Relational Patterns: Certain dynamics in relationships, such as people-pleasing, withdrawing, or overreacting, may point to deeper needs, fears, or attachment wounds. 

• Situational Patterns: The same issues cropping up in different contexts (e.g., constant anxiety before public speaking, or repeating the same argument with a partner) can serve as clues to explore how underlying beliefs or fears are shaping our responses.

Following the Trail 

Great, I've found the first breadcrumb—now what?

Once you've noticed an emotion, memory, body sensation, or pattern that feels significant, the next step is to follow it with curiosity and openness. Think of it like pulling on a thread—you don't need all the answers right away. The key is to approach the breadcrumb as an invitation to explore, rather than a problem to solve.

Questions to Explore

1. "What is this emotion trying to tell me?"

2. "What boundary is this emotion protecting?"

3. "Who or what in this memory feels significant, and why?"

4. "What does this sensation feel like—tight, heavy, warm, tingly?"

5. "Where did this emotion come from?"

6. "Is this emotion familiar? Have I felt this way in a similar situation before?"

7. "If this sensation had a shape, color, or texture, what would it be?"

8. "What emotion or thought comes up when I sit with this sensation?"

9. “Is there a deeper feeling underneath?"

10. "What is this emotion teaching me about my values or priorities?"

11. "Has my body felt this way in other moments? What was happening then?"

12. "If this emotion had a voice, what would it say?"

13. How do I typically react in these situations?

14. "What does this pattern seem to be protecting or avoiding?"

15. "How do I feel when I engage in this pattern—relieved, anxious, frustrated?"

Here is an example (this is incredibly simplistic and there would be a lot of emotional processing between):

You get in a fight with your partner and you shut down. Later you realize that during the fight you remember your throat feeling constricted and your face feeling hot (breadcrumb!). You ask yourself, “When have I noticed my body doing that before?” A memory of your boss talking down to your surfaces (breadcrumb!). You explore further, “What about this memory feels significant?” You recall feeling small, embarrassed, and ashamed (breadcrumb!). Are those emotions familiar? Your relationship with your father comes to mind (breadcrumb!) "What is this emotion teaching me about my values?" You were never able to stand up to him or tell him what you really thought and that is still a struggle today. You realize the fight with your partner makes you feel insignificant and unheard, so you shut down. 

Where do breadcrumbs lead?

• Sometimes, following the breadcrumbs takes us deeper into self-awareness. Emotions often point to unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or parts of ourselves we've disowned. The journey might loop back to past experiences or beliefs we’ve internalized.

• Breadcrumbs can also lead us outward—toward other people. Emotions often carry messages about our relationships. In attachment theory, emotions are relational. Following the trail might reconnect us with others in ways we didn’t expect, whether through deeper intimacy or by understanding our relational patterns and seeking healthier dynamics.

• Some breadcrumbs lead us to uncertainty. Healing isn’t always about clarity or resolution—it’s also about learning to sit with ambiguity. Maybe the trail stops for a while, or we’re unsure which direction to take next. This can teach us patience, trust, and the ability to hold space for what’s unfolding.

• Breadcrumbs lead to self-compassion.

When the Trail Loops Back

The frustration of returning to the same emotional territory can feel like failure or stagnation, but each time we revisit the trail we do so with a new perspective, deeper understanding, and greater resilience. 

It’s like climbing a spiral staircase—you may be in the same place, but you’re now equipped to see it from a higher vantage point. 

Loops offer the opportunity for deeper healing, allowing us to uncover unresolved layers, strengthen emotional awareness, take back automony and power, and integrate emotions into our lives. They build patience, compassion, and emotional literacy, ultimately helping us become more whole and grounded. 

When the Trail Disappears

When the breadcrumbs seem to vanish, it can feel like being lost in the woods—a moment of uncertainty, confusion, or even despair. But these gaps are just as meaningful as the breadcrumbs themselves.

• Pausing for Integration
  Sometimes, the disappearance of the trail isn’t a loss but a signal to pause. Emotional processing takes time, and the mind and body need moments to rest and integrate what’s already been uncovered. In somatic terms, the nervous system might need to downregulate and find safety before moving forward again.

• Seeking Support
  When the trail feels lost, it’s okay to reach out for help. This might mean leaning on a therapist, trusted friend, or even your own body through grounding practices. Sometimes, another perspective can help you see the breadcrumbs you might have missed.

What To Do Next:

1. Externalize emotion/problem/experience 

2. Get curious and ask questions

3. Follow the breadcrumbs to process and look deeper

4. Integrate new learnings 

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