Perfectionism

IN TODAY’S EDITION

THE SHIFT
First a little context.

While there is no single type of perfectionist, understanding its roots helps us grasp why people develop perfectionist tendencies and how these patterns affect their lives.

Perfectionism is a complex coping mechanism that develops in response to early relational experiences.

The Foundation: Early Dynamics and Basic Needs

Two fundamental human needs play a crucial role in the development of perfectionism:

• The need to belong

• The need for self-esteem

During childhood, these needs can become compromised through difficulties in the parent-child relationship. This may stem from:

• Challenges in the child's ability to express themselves
  

• Limited receptive capacity of caregivers (reduced ability to fully attend to, understand, or respond to the needs of the child)
  

• A combination of both factors, leading to anxious attachment

Early trauma (actual or perceived) can also play a role:

• Sibling Comparison: Having an older or younger sibling who is attractive, athletic, academically inclined, charismatic, or specifically talented that garnered attention and affection
  

• Divorce: when parents end the marriage the child believes the separation or dysfunction is their fault
  

• Alcoholic or violent parent: the child becomes a protector to other siblings or takes on a parent role to manage their caregiver
  

• Economic Survival: In families with frequent financial instability or economic anxiety, exceptional achievement becomes a perceived pathway to creating security and preventing future hardship
  

• Status-Driven Families: In a family that values external achievements and social status above emotional connection, a child learns to equate personal worth with accomplishments and a pristine image

In any case, striving for perfection was initially triggered by a disturbing situation and the need to ease painful emotions.

As the child grows, they encounter increasing expectations from their environment, they recognize that their actions have meaning, and experience evaluative reactions from others. Countless questions get asked: "Is what I just did okay?" "Should I be proud of it?" "Should I be embarrassed?"

While this is not articulated in language, the conclusion is, "If I could be perfect I could then be worthwhile, interesting, significant, and acceptable. If I am perfect, there will be nothing to criticize, judge, or reject—nothing to be ashamed of." Perfectionism develops gradually through positive reinforcement.

As Brené Brown explains, the emphasis on achievement and performance "creates a dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect."

Let me be clear: this isn't about criticizing or shaming parents. Parenting is an incredibly complex journey, and parents of perfectionists aren't necessarily negligent or defective in their parenting. Most parents, including those whose children develop perfectionist tendencies, are often doing their best with the resources and understanding they have. As a parent myself, I deeply understand the weight of having our parenting choices examined under a microscope.

The goal here isn't to assign blame but to understand, name, and validate your experience as a child – who did not feel seen, heard, or secure in who you were or what you felt. These feelings, whether they aligned with parents' intentions or not, are part of understanding how perfectionist patterns develop.

So what happens when your number one coping strategy is highly valued in society? When being high-achieving is praised and awarded? What if this is the only time you feel loved?

The Paradox of Perfectionism

Despite knowing perfection is unattainable, perfectionists continue to pursue it because the strategy does work in some ways:

• Predictability and Control: Creates a structured, controllable framework in an unpredictable world.

• Relief from Painful Feelings: Focus on achieving distracts from insecurity and fear.

• Sense of Meaning and Direction: Striving for goals provides purpose and direction.

• Safety through Achievement: Success becomes a defense against vulnerability, abandonment, criticism, and rejection.

• Newfound Power and Support: Achievement offers leverage and validation previously absent.

• Repair a Damaged Sense of Self: Compensating for feelings of inadequacy.

• Maintaining Relationships: Gaining acceptance and validation for achievements becomes a ticket to connection and love.

However, what begins as a survival strategy in childhood often calcifies into rigid patterns that exact a heavy toll in adulthood. What once served as armor against pain, eventually becomes a prison of its own making – constricting our ability to live fully and authentically. As each person is different, they may adopt any number of tendencies:

• Difficulty with vulnerability and help-seeking behaviors

• Excessive concern about others' opinions

• Frequent misinterpretation of neutral feedback as criticism

• Tendency to control or dominate relationships 

• People-pleasing behaviors at the expense of personal needs

• Chronic tension and difficulty relaxing

• Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions

• Imposter syndrome

• Chronic shame and guilt

• Procrastination due to fear of failure

• Reluctance to take risks or try new things

• Self-sabotage of potential opportunities

• Burnout from overworking

• Difficulty celebrating achievements

• Rumination about past mistakes

• Persistent worry about future scenarios

The Core Issue

When someone carries emotional wounds from their primary caregiving relationships, they may form a distorted view of relationships where they expect to be hurt, rejected, or abandoned. Despite their strong desire for connection and acceptance, their past traumas can create a self-fulfilling cycle - they view new relationships through the lens of their fears, seeing potential rejection even where none exists. 

When these painful experiences become internalized, they can crystallize into a rigid and distorted self-image that feels permanently marked by inadequacy. The person comes to view themselves as inherently flawed or defective, rather than seeing these feelings as responses to specific experiences. This frozen self-image becomes both a lens through which they view themselves and a core belief that feels unchangeable. Despite evidence of their capabilities, accomplishments, or others' genuine appreciation, they maintain a deep conviction of their unworthiness. This isn't just a passing feeling of insecurity, but rather a fundamental belief about who they are.

Moving Forward

Understanding perfectionism as a relational and developmental issue – rather than simply a personality trait – opens the door to transformation. This perspective allows us to approach our perfectionist tendencies with curiosity and compassion, seeing them as adaptations that once served a purpose but may no longer serve us.

[Pick one section to work on at a time. Whichever sparks your interest.]

Exploring the Origins of Your Perfectionist Story

Reflection Questions:

• What were the unspoken "rules" in your family about achievement, mistakes, or showing emotion?

• Can you recall early memories where you felt you had to be "perfect" to be accepted or loved?

• How did important adults in your life handle their own mistakes or imperfections?

• What messages did you receive about your worth when you succeeded versus when you struggled?

• When did you first learn that achievement could bring connection or prevent rejection?

• How was conflict handled in your family, and what did this teach you about acceptance?

Understanding Your Perfectionist Patterns in Real Time

When you notice perfectionist behaviors arising, understanding the pattern can help interrupt it. Research shows that self-monitoring and planned alternative responses significantly reduce perfectionist behaviors. 

Some triggers may include:

• Performance evaluations or reviews

• Starting new projects or relationships

• Social situations where you might be judged

• Making decisions that affect others

• Receiving criticism or feedback

• Time pressure or deadlines

• Comparison with peers

• Public speaking or presentations

• Having your work viewed by others

• Uncertain or uncontrollable situations

When you’re ready, use the Perfectionism Pattern Tracker to work through triggers and responses.

Remember: The goal isn't to eliminate perfectionist tendencies completely, but to develop more flexible responses and greater self-compassion.

Regulating Anxiety and Managing Shame

Research shows that perfectionism is intimately linked with both anxiety and shame related to self-worth, criticism, and fear of rejection. An important step is to learn how to regulate anxiety and manage shame. 

Working with Anxiety:

Physiological Regulation 

• Deep breathing exercises (particularly 4-7-8 breathing)

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Body scanning meditation

• Rhythmic movement (walking, dancing, rocking)

Cognitive Regulation 

• Thought recording and challenging

• Reality testing of perfectionist thoughts

• Setting realistic standards and timelines

Mindfulness-Based Regulation 

• Present-moment awareness practices

• Noting thoughts without attachment

• RAIN technique (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture)

Working with Shame:

• Self-compassion meditation

• Writing self-compassion letters

• Developing a "compassionate inner voice"

• Practicing the "self-compassion break"

• Connection Strategies (based on Brené Brown's research)

  • Sharing shame stories with trusted others 

  • Building shame resilience through connection

  • Developing "shame-free" zones in relationships

From Rigid to Flexible

Research in neuroplasticity and mindset development suggests that sustainable change comes through consistent small practices. Here are evidence-based strategies:

Redefining Success

• Create personal definitions of "good enough" for different areas of life

• Establish clear start/stop times for projects

• Celebrate small wins and partial successes

• Practice strategic incompletion

Building Self-Trust

• Keep a "wins journal" documenting successes without qualification

• Create an "evidence folder" of positive feedback

• Work on your inner critic voice (you wouldn’t trust someone who is constantly berating you and calling you names)

Practice in Relationship 

• Practice asking for help

• Delegate one small task daily

• Offer and receive mentorship

• Share accomplishments without self-criticism and with a trusted friend

• Practice receiving compliments with simple "thank you"

Developing Emotional Agility

• Practice naming emotions without judgment

• Use "both/and" thinking instead of "either/or"

• Explore multiple perspectives in challenging situations

• Deliberately make small mistakes to practice tolerance
  

THE ESSENTIALS
This section includes relevant resources, articles, videos, people to check out, and links to strengthen your psychological resilience and emotional intelligence.

• The Invitation: A much-loved poem at the opening of The Invitation, a small book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I love this poem. Oriah is a story-teller, who writes to lift our spirits, open our hearts, and offer us ways to see patterns and create meaning in our lives. The focus of her life and work has been an on-going inquiry into the Sacred Mystery.

• Dream: No matter how far-fetched your dream might appear to be. No matter how disappointing it might be as you work toward your dream. It is possible. If you need extra motivation as you work toward a big dream, check out this incredible video, with voice-over by Les Brown and others.

• Pay Attention: The Orienting Response: This is an exercise created by Dr. Pat Ogden, creator of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, a body-oriented approach to help patients process traumatic memories and manage threat responses. This worksheet will help you become aware of habits that are similar to what you learned in early attachment relationships and offer a way to explore how these habits affect your body today.

• Taro Iwamoto Youtube Channel:  Taro Iwamoto, a Nervous System Movement Coach with expertise in martial arts, Feldenkrais, physical rehab, and athletic training. If you’ve felt frustrated with conventional approaches to pain relief, physical challenges, and limitations then this is a great resource. His videos provide practical techniques and performance practices for nervous system retraining and movement retraining to help rediscover freedom and ease in your body.
  

THE GALLERY

Excerpt from The Imperfectionist by Oliver Burkeman

“Zen Buddhists sometimes talk about ‘turning words’ – phrases that seem to possess a mysterious power to cause liberating change, all by themselves. It’s not merely that they convey useful information, or give instructions about what to do. Instead, it’s as if the phrase, landing in the brain, is somehow itself transformative…

The second phrase comes from the writer Sasha Chapin, whose newsletter I recommend and who describes how, as a younger man, his definition of professional success was simple: to become a novelist on a par with David Foster Wallace. That’s what it would take to win at life. Then the worst happened: he failed to become a novelist on a par with David Foster Wallace. And after that? After that, his career as a writer became a matter of playing in the ruins, a phrase that for me evokes wonderfully the sheer aliveness you get to experience once the perfectionistic struggle starts to collapse:

When this happens – when an expectation breaks down, and you are living in a shipwreck of your expectations – a precious state of being can dawn, if you’re lucky. This is the state of Playing In The Ruins. You’re not seeing the landscape around you as something that needs to transform. You’re just seeing it as the scrapyard it is. And then you can look around yourself and say, okay, what is actually here, when I’m not telling myself constant lies about what it’s going to be one day?

(As Chapin explains, getting divorced triggered a similar feeling, not because it was good but because it delivered him to reality: “When this destruction happens enough times, what perishes is not you, but the ridiculous idea that any of this would conform to your napkin-sketch plans of the future.”)”

The profound wisdom in "playing in the ruins" offers a liberating perspective on life's inevitable disappointments and redirections. When we release our death grip on rigid expectations and grandiose visions of success, we can discover an unexpected aliveness in engaging with reality as it actually is, not as we demanded it should be.

Rather than seeing a failed dream as an endpoint, we might view it as an invitation to explore the rich territory of what remains – to build something authentic from the rubble of our former certainties.

Today, we might examine our own ruins – those collapsed expectations and redirected dreams – not with shame or despair, but with genuine interest in what we could create among these fragments of our former ambitions.