The Truth About Anger

IN TODAY’S EDITION

THE SHIFT

First, I'm curious: when you saw the topic was anger this week, what was your initial reaction? Was it more of an "oh, that doesn't apply to me," or did you star and tag this email because there have been one too many holes in your wall?

Whatever your response was, I'm sure when you think about anger, it usually conjures images of fist fights, screaming matches, and middle fingers.

Before we go any further, I want to divorce the idea that anger is synonymous with aggressive, destructive behavior. While often paired, a person's conduct as a result of anger is not actually anger itself.

I also want to correct the assumption that anger is a negative emotion. Emotions are amoral - they are neither good nor bad. They are neutral responses. The negative association comes from the hostile and dangerous behavior that follows, our self-judgment about feeling angry, or others' reactions to our anger. But none of that is anger itself.

In fact, anger appears to be fundamentally different from how it's commonly understood.

The Nature of Anger

Anger is a protective life force.

• Anger is considered a vitality affect, giving life motivation and power to pursue what we need or want. Anger is a natural response seen across species, suggesting it serves an essential survival function.

Anger is an emotional response to the things we cannot control.

• When something unexpected happens—something that contradicts our plans, beliefs, or needs—we often experience anger as a way to reclaim a feeling of power or control, even if momentarily. Being powerless feels extremely vulnerable. Anger becomes a more "active" response, one that actually feels more gratifying than sitting with the perceived loss of control. 

Anger signals that a boundary has been crossed. 

• As David Whyte articulates: Anger may be "the deepest form of care" for what matters to us. It illuminates what we desire and are willing to protect and fight for. Gabor Maté explains further: "If I were to infringe on your boundaries, either physically or emotionally, the healthy response for you is to mount an anger response. 'No. Get out. Stay away.'” This anger would dissipate after the threat leaves. Anger shows us where our limits are and what we are willing to do to protect them. 

Anger sometimes covers deeper emotions.

• The idea that anger often masks underlying emotions like fear and sadness has been extensively explored by mental health professionals. Dr. Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of "The Dance of Anger," discusses how anger often conceals more vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, or hurt. From this perspective, anger can be a "secondary emotion" that arises as a defense against primary emotions (like fear, sadness, or shame) that feel more vulnerable or uncomfortable to express.

The Physiology of anger

You know that feeling when you get really angry - how your whole body seems to react? This one emotion can cause a cascade of physiological, neurological, and hormonal changes in your body. Your heart starts racing, your muscles get tense, you might feel hot, and your breathing changes. Your body is literally preparing for action. Becoming acutely aware of the physical signs of anger is the first step in releasing it, but more on that later.

Think of your anger response like your body's emergency backup generator kicking in. When a storm hits (aka something makes you mad), that generator roars to life, flooding your systems with extra power - your immune system included. Pretty handy in the moment, right? It's your body's way of saying "We've got this!"

But here's where it gets messy: staying angry is like running that generator 24/7. Not only are you burning through fuel like crazy, but that poor machine wasn't built for marathon sessions. Eventually, the engine starts smoking, parts wear down, and what started as a reliable backup system turns into a sputtering mess. Your body, swimming in stress hormones, starts waving a tiny white flag of surrender.

And you might think that just bottling up your anger is a good solution, but your body isn't fooled by your "everything's fine" performance. In fact, it's keeping score and eventually sends you the bill for pushing all those angry feelings down year after year. Your immune system starts a passive-aggressive protest in the form of inflammation and other health issues. It's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater - that tension has to go somewhere.

Patterns of Anger 

Healthy anger is an in-the-moment response. It expresses itself, does its job, and resolves naturally when the threat passes. It's a natural response, often serving as boundary protection.

Unhealthy patterns of anger typically have roots in childhood. Regardless of our background, our family's attitudes toward emotions, particularly anger, inform how we interpret it today.

Impromptu journal prompts:

• How was anger viewed in your family?

• Were you allowed to experience anger?

• What happened when you were angry?

• What happened when your caregiver was angry?

• What was your experience when someone else was angry?

These questions help illuminate your relationship with anger. When we weren't taught how to relate to anger in a healthy way, two common patterns emerge:

1. Inward Expression

The anger is redirected inward, bottled up, or shut down. This self-attack often results in difficulty asserting oneself or leads to depression because you are shutting down your life force. As Gabor Maté explains, "If your boundaries were infringed as a child, but you could not express it, it doesn't disappear. It gets suppressed." We suppress because fighting back might have led to worse consequences. When an emotion threatens the attachment relationship, we will always choose attachment over authenticity because survival depends on it. Our authentic self is sacrificed to become what's socially acceptable. But what happens when you forfeit your authenticity for years? When something triggers you, that submerged beachball of anger bursts to the surface, screaming “what about me!” This is no longer a healthy response to the present moment but a reaction to the past.

2. Outward Expression

This manifests as what we typically associate with anger: explosive reactions, yelling, and screaming. It becomes an escalating pattern with a loss of control. These outbursts can actually feel rewarding because they alleviate the helplessness you likely felt as a child when your anger was discouraged. However, outbursts are just a defense against feeling anger. When anger immediately discharges into behavior through yelling or hitting, you're not truly feeling the emotion - you're not experiencing the texture or temperature of anger itself. You’re allowing it to express itself, no holds barred. This doesn’t help you process the emotion, it just gives you permission to bypass it.

Integrating Anger: A Conscious Embodied Experience

To develop a healthy relationship with anger, we must first separate the emotion from the behavior. This means building and expanding our capacity to feel anger, owning it, recognizing it, and reclaiming the part of ourselves that can be angry.

How to Practice Being with Anger:

• Take a breath and allow the anger to exist. Really give it space - not to act out on others, but to experience and investigate it.

• Feel it course through you. Pay attention to your body's experience: notice your visual experience, muscle tension, changes in breathing, movement of your abdomen, and entire nervous system. 

• Now, notice your impulses. What do you want to do with the anger? Become aware of desires to punch, scream, or run. Allow yourself to imagine or fantasize what you'd do if there were no rules or limitations. Stay present with your true feelings and experience the energy.

  • Remember: You're not acting out. Stay in control and grounded while exploring and expressing what you'd like to do or say in response.

• Stay present and observe how the anger moves. Does it transform into something else? Does it dissipate? Does it expand or contract?

• When ready, choose to either follow or nurture the emotion:

  • Following: If the anger transforms into a different emotion, follow it. What's new now? What are you noticing?

  • Nurturing: If images, memories, or sensations arise, take a closer look. You may connect with a younger version of yourself who had to suppress rage. Show this younger self compassion, responding in ways no one did when you were growing up.

No part of you and no emotion is bad. Anger arises for good reason - even suppression or outbursts are clear indicators that something needs attention. The more you investigate and understand anger's presence, the easier it becomes to change your relationship with the emotion and the behavioral patterns that follow it.

THE ESSENTIALS
This section includes relevant resources, articles, videos, people to check out, and links to strengthen your psychological resilience and emotional intelligence.

• Dealing with Low Self Worth: Tony Robbin helps Theo Von, stand-up comedian, podcaster, and television personality work through self worth issues.

• 10 Minute Guided Meditation: I found this mediation a few weeks ago. It used mindfulness and acceptance to calm the body and mind. No matter your experience with meditation, this is a great audio track to follow.

• 4 Ways to Stop an Anxiety Spiral: Often, we let worrisome thoughts accelerate into a maelstrom of what-ifs until we're sucked into a vortex of negative thinking. In this video, thought leaders like Jon Kabat-Zinn, Brené Brown, Michael Singer and Eckhart Tolle reveal their secrets to stopping anxiety before it spirals out of control.