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5 Secrets to Inner Peace & Calm
Wendie Briggs
February 23, 2025
My son turned eight months old this week, and for some reason, it got me thinking about something I hear all the time—when people talk about their child’s future, they say, “I just want them to be happy.”
I know they mean well, but I think it’s a simplified way of expressing something deeper. Maybe what they really mean is, I don’t want my child to suffer. I don’t want them to feel lost. I don’t want them to feel weighed down by life. And of course, I want my son to be happy too—but happiness is just an emotion, one that comes and goes. No one can—or should—be happy all the time.
So then I asked myself, What do I actually want for him? I can’t wish away suffering or hardship for him— that’s part of life. He will question his place and purpose on this planet as we all do.
But the answer that came to me was: Peace. Calm. A steady sense of inner security.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how rare that actually is.
As a therapist, I often see people caught in cycles of distress and turmoil. But inner peace isn’t just for monks on mountaintops. If it has eluded you, you may simply be searching for it in the wrong places.
Most people spend their lives searching for peace, unaware that it already exists within them.
I know that sounds like a fortune cooking aphorism, but it’s true.
Inner calm is independent of external circumstances. You can’t jog, drink, purchase, or swipe your way to peace. External solutions can’t cure an internal issue.
Blaise Pascal's wrote "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone."
It seems so easy when stated so simplistically but there are a few layers to why solitude is difficult.
When we're alone, we're forced to confront ourselves — our thoughts, emotions, and insecurities. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve made a habit of denying or avoiding.
Solitude forces us to contend with unsettling existential questions: Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What if nothing really matters? What is real? This can elicit overwhelm.
Modern life has conditioned us to expect constant engagement and stimulation. When we do find ourselves alone it can feel unnatural or even unbearable.
Society often equates being alone with loneliness or purposelessness. This becomes confusing as it fuses shame with an adaptive skill.
The word calm is defined by what it is not -- “not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other strong emotions.” It is the absence of, the freedom from disturbance.
So, attaining an internal state of calm invites a reversed question:
What disrupts our inner peace?
1. Lying to Yourself and Others
We lie to ourselves daily. "I'm not avoiding the gym, I'm just busy." "I can quit anytime." "All couples fight this much."
With self-deception we're both the deceiver and the deceived, only partially aware of the truth but actively avoid confronting it.
We filter out uncomfortable truths, clinging to preferred narratives despite evidence.
Suppressed truth generates anxiety and maintaining fiction alongside reality creates constant tension. Habitual self-deception erodes self-trust.
Lying to others also creates a similar split narrative where you must simultaneously maintain two versions of reality in your mind: the truth and the lie. This "double-tracking" requires mental energy and is draining.
The Way To Peace:
Brutal (but kind) honesty with yourself: “Brutal” because truth often hurts—we may discover wasted years or compromised values. “Kind” because self-judgment serves no purpose.
Honest self-reflection should spur action which is uncomfortable because it disrupts established patterns. But this discomfort is productive - it's the friction of realignment.
Gentle honesty with others: Often the kindest thing you can do is be honest. It doesn’t help to sugar coat or skirt around the issue. Truth delivered with clarity frees both parties from the burden of half-truths and growing resentment. While directness may cause initial discomfort, it prevents deeper pain that comes from prolonged avoidance
2. Seeking Other’s Counsel First
We collect opinions like souvenirs—friends' perspectives, our mother's advice, that podcast expert's opinion, our colleague's suggestion.
Each voice adds noise, drowning our inner wisdom. Our self-trust atrophies. We develop a reflexive need to "check" our decisions with others. We become dependent on external validation.
The Way To Peace:
Start by turning inward. Before seeking any external guidance, create space to discover your own truth about the situation.
Every challenge or decision is first a conversation with yourself.
This doesn't mean walking your path in isolation. The counsel of others can provide valuable perspective and insight. Think of others' input as additional data points rather than directives. Once you've developed your own clear position, use their perspectives to stress-test your thinking, not to override it.
3. Self Abandonment
Self-abandonment occurs when you consistently neglect your own emotional, physical, or psychological needs. Doing so sends a subconscious message that your feelings, desires, and boundaries are not valid or worthy of attention.
Over time, this erodes self-trust and creates inner conflict, making it difficult to feel grounded or secure. The anxiety and resentment makes being present with yourself incredibly uncomfortable.
The Way To Peace:
Become reliable to yourself. Begin to rebuild self-trust by listening to yourself, honoring your emotions and needs, make choices that reflect your values, and follow through on your promises to yourself, even if it results in short term pain.
4. Allowing Your Mind Unbridled Freedom
The conversation happening in your head— or the relentless monologue you’ve been listening to (for those who haven’t developed the skill of speaking back to it yet)—shapes your reality.
The quality of your inner dialogue directly determines the quality of your life.
When you allow your mind to run free without conscious awareness or regulation, it can take you on an emotional roller coaster of its own making. It will project worst-case scenarios, create conflicts that don’t exist, and magnify insecurities, convincing you that your fears are real before anything even happens.
The Way To Peace:
The key to inner peace isn’t silencing your mind—it’s learning how to observe and guide it rather than being controlled by it. Instead of blindly believing every thought, step back and observe your mind. Ask: Is this thought helpful? Is it true?
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, you can identify the conversation happening as different “parts” of you. These parts hold distinct emotions, beliefs, and roles, often trying to protect you — prevent pain, disappointment, or perceived danger —though not always in the most helpful ways.
Rather than fighting or suppressing these thoughts, try speaking back to it: “I see that you’re trying to keep me safe, but I don’t need protection in this way.” Gently ask it to step back and call upon a more grounded, wise, or compassionate part of yourself to take charge.
5. Conditioned Responses and Cognitive Biases
A conditioned response is an automatic reaction to a situation, often developed through past experiences and societal influences.
A cognitive bias is a habitual way of thinking that distorts reality. These biases are shortcuts our brain takes to make sense of the world quickly, but are not always reliable.
When left unexamined, they can lead to automatic emotional reactions, distorted thinking, and a cycle of unnecessary suffering.
The Way To Peace:
Become aware of these patterns, respond consciously (instead of reacting automatically), and create space for more balanced thinking.
Before you can change a reaction, you first need to notice it happening. Consistently observe your own behaviors, speech, and internal experiences. Ask yourself: Do I actually believe this or this my thought/response/perspective/opinion someone else’s?
Slowly you will sift out what has been passed to you and what is truly you.
Resources for your emotional & mental toolkit - including articles, strategies, techniques, frameworks, videos, people to check out, and links.
The Miracle Question helps shift focus away from problems and toward possibilities, allowing individuals to envision a life beyond their current struggles and identify the small, actionable steps that can bring them closer to that vision.
Leaves on a Stream teaches cognitive defusion, helping you detach from your thoughts instead of getting entangled in them, reducing their power over you and creating space for mindfulness and acceptance.This video takes you through this exercise.
When struggles like anxiety, self-doubt, or anger feel overwhelming, they can start to seem like an inseparable part of who we are. Externalizing the problem creates distance, helping individuals see their challenges as something they experience rather than something that defines them. This shift reduces shame and self-blame, making it easier to approach problems with curiosity and confidence rather than guilt or helplessness.
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."
Pema Chödrön
Have a great week!
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