When We Feel Stuck

A few months ago, while listening to lullabies on repeat as I desperately fought my baby to fall asleep, I had an epiphany: The Itsy Bitsy Spider is simply Sisyphus in arachnid form. Our eight-legged protagonist endlessly scales the waterspout, only to be washed down by rain, before beginning the laborious ascent again.

It made me wonder— what do we do when we feel stuck?

The classical interpretation of Sisyphus focuses on punishment for hubris—his arrogance in outsmarting the gods results in a fate where his labor is endless and without reward.

But our stuckness rarely stems from excessive pride. Rather, it's our ignorance that tends to be the culprit. Not the garden-variety ignorance of facts, but the more challenging ignorance of self.

While external forces—the rain in the spider's journey or the boulder in Sisyphus' eternal task—announce themselves with obvious presence, internal obstacles operate with stealth, shaping our reality while remaining conveniently out of sight.

By identifying these internal dynamics, we can better understand how they amplify the confusion and frustration, manifest as mental fog, decision paralysis, and the overwhelming sense that we lack the resources to change.

In researching this phenomenon of feeling stuck, a few threads about stuckness consistently emerged: 

 1. Stuckness is a Lack of Clarity

When you're stuck, things often feel cloudy, confusing, or too complex to parse. Here's why: 

• Emotions are Indistinguishable: Emotions often arise simultaneously and may conflict with each other. When we try to identify or express one emotion, it can feel like it disqualifies or invalidates another. (e.g. sensing relief but feeling guilt). This emotional overlap can make it difficult to trust or interpret your true feelings, leaving you unsure of how to proceed. (More on this here)

• You’re Experiencing Mental Overload: This occurs when the brain is overwhelmed by too much information or too many competing demands, making it difficult to process, prioritize, and make decisions effectively. When asking too many people for advice, the sheer volume of differing can overwhelm the brain’s natural processing capacity, making it hard to distinguish what is relevant or important to you. 

• There are Internal Contradictions: Stuckness often involves wanting two seemingly opposing things at the same time (e.g., craving change but fearing uncertainty). These contradictions create an internal tug-of-war that keeps you immobilized.

  2. Stuckness is a Fear Response

Fear triggers our survival mechanisms, which can manifest as behavioral paralysis. When we perceive potential threats to our emotional or psychological wellbeing, our brain activates protective responses. While these responses evolved to keep us physically safe from danger, they often misfire in modern contexts– keeping you safe from perceived threats like failure, rejection, or abandonment.

Common patterns of fear-based stuckness include:

• Fear of failure can prevent us from taking risks or pursuing new opportunities. The possibility of not succeeding becomes more threatening than the certainty of remaining where we are.

• Fear of uncertainty makes us cling to the known, even when it's uncomfortable. Our brains prefer predictable discomfort over unpredictable possibilities.

• Fear of judgment keeps us conforming to expectations rather than following authentic desires. The social threat of disapproval can feel as dangerous as physical threats to our ancestors.

• Fear of responsibility can make us avoid making decisions altogether. By not choosing, we avoid the potential anxiety, regret, or blame that might come with making the "wrong" choice.

No matter what the fear is tied to, the undercurrent is avoidance of the emotional discomfort of making a decision and facing potential consequences.

3. Stuckness is Being or Perceiving Yourself to be Under-Resourced

Stuckness often stems from being emotionally or practically under-resourced, meaning you lack the tools or support necessary to process your experiences and navigate challenges effectively. When the intensity of your feelings exceeds your ability to process them, it can lead to emotional shutdown or looping patterns. Resources can be both internal (emotional resilience and coping strategies) and external (social support and relational safety).

How To Un-Stuck Yourself

1. Relax & Observe the Stuck

When you feel stuck, your instinct might be to fight against it—but sometimes struggling only tightens the grip. Instead, pause to give your nervous system enough time to come out of the "fight, flight, or freeze" state and observe your stuckness rather than react to it. This creates enough space to understand it more fully.

2. Honesty with Yourself – What Is Actually Happening?

Being stuck often involves avoiding a truth that feels too painful or overwhelming. Honesty with yourself is about facing the reality of your situation—not what you wish were true, but what is true.

• Do I genuinely not know what to do, or am I scared to do it?

• Is there a truth I'm avoiding because it's painful or inconvenient?

• What am I telling myself to justify inaction?

• Identify self-sabotaging stories: What narratives am I using to avoid change? ("I'm too busy," "I'll fail anyway," "I need more time to prepare")

Why this is hard: Many internal obstacles—like limiting beliefs, unconscious patterns, and fear of failure—are rooted in early experiences with caregivers or past trauma. These narratives, while protective, can prevent growth.

3. Reclaim Your Agency

Stuckness often feels like you've lost control, as if life is happening to you rather than with you. Reclaiming your agency means recognizing that—even when external circumstances feel immovable—you still have the power to choose how you respond and engage with your situation. When you identify areas where you have influence, you shift from a passive role to an active one.

One practice I like to use to help make a quick shift is Byron Katie's Turnaround exercise, which involves reversing the original thought in various ways to explore different perspectives:

• Original: "Why does this keep happening to me?"

• Turnarounds: "I keep happening to this." "This doesn't keep happening to me." "I keep making this happen."

• Original: "People don't like me."

• Turnarounds: "I don't like me." "I don't like people." "People like me."

4. Build Internal and External Resources

Being under-resourced—emotionally, mentally, or socially—can trap you in patterns of stuckness. Expanding your internal resources and external resources provides the energy and support to move forward.

Internal resources:

1. Self-soothing abilities: The capacity and resources to calm yourself when upset

2. Emotional regulation: Naming and being with intense feelings while staying within your window of tolerance

3. Containing function: The ability to "hold" and manage difficult emotions and experiences with perspective

4. Self-confidence: Trusting and seeking out your own judgment

5. Boundaries: Understanding where you end and others begin, an when self-imposed limitations are necessary 

6. Sense of safety: Feeling secure within yourself and the world; feeling comfortable alone 

7. Self-validation: The ability to affirm your own experiences and feelings

8. Reality testing: Accurately assessing situations

9. Integration: Effectively processing both the cognitive and emotional aspects of an experience

External resources:

1. Quality relationships: Prioritize people who energize and support you rather than those who drain you.

2. Non-redundant connections: Talk to people who offer fresh perspectives, challenge your thinking, or broaden your worldview.

3. Secure attachments: Seek out “safe others”—people who listen without judgment and help you process your experiences.

Resources for your emotional & mental toolkit - including articles, strategies, techniques, frameworks, videos, people to check out, and links.

The 1% Rule
The 1% Rule, as explained in Atomic Habits by James Clear, emphasizes the power of small, consistent improvements over time. Rather than seeking drastic overnight changes, focusing on just 1% improvement each day compounds into significant transformation. This principle relies on the idea that habits, when built gradually and sustainably, lead to remarkable long-term progress. By committing to continuous, incremental growth, individuals can achieve lasting success in any area of life.

Morning Pages 
Morning Pages, a concept from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, involves writing three pages of free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness thoughts every morning. This practice helps clear mental clutter, unlock creativity, and develop self-awareness. By writing without judgment or structure, individuals can process emotions, overcome creative blocks, and access deeper insights. It serves as a powerful tool for personal growth and artistic exploration.

Ikigai
Ikigai is a Japanese concept that represents the intersection of passion, talent, societal contribution, and financial sustainability. It encourages individuals to find fulfillment by aligning what they love, what they are good at, what the world needs, and what they can be paid for. Rooted in purpose and balance, Ikigai fosters a meaningful and joyful life by helping people pursue work and activities that bring them true satisfaction and a sense of contribution to society.

“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I’ve been knocking from the inside!”

Rumi

Translation by Coleman Barks