"Having It All": The Beautiful Lie That Burned Us Out

The Shift

A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at a Google Calendar packed with Zoom calls, deadlines, workouts, social commitments, therapy, doctor’s appointments, dinner with friends I barely text back, and an entry on Tuesday morning: Meditation and Gratitude, scheduled at 6 a.m.

I laughed.

Historically, I’ve been a morning person. But with a one-year-old at home, mornings feel less like a luxury and more like a logistical negotiation. “Self-care” has become just another item to schedule. Which got me thinking, is this what “having it all” feels like?

Over the past year, I’ve become increasingly interested in questioning the cultural narratives we’ve been sold, particularly the ones that shape our desires before we even realize we’ve agreed to them.

A deep dive into marketing led me to the diamond engagement ring. You’ve probably heard that it should cost “three months’ salary.”

Did you know that was the result of one of the most successful advertising campaigns of the 20th century?

In the midst of the Great Depression, diamond sales were plummeting. De Beers diamond company, which held a near-global monopoly on diamond mining, needed to convince the public that buying a diamond wasn’t just an indulgence, but a necessity for any “real” proposal. The campaign was so effective that it reshaped cultural norms.

What fascinates me about this story isn’t just its success, it’s how quickly we forget its origin. How easily a marketing tactic becomes a cultural truth.

Which begs the question: Is “having it all” another brilliant marketing myth?

As far as I can tell, yes.

The phrase first entered our cultural bloodstream in the early 1980s, when Helen Gurley Brown, then the trailblazing editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, published her 1982 memoir Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, Money (Even If You Started With Nothing).

Brown, already famous for her 1962 bestseller Sex and the Single Girl, had long championed the image of the glamorous, self-made woman.

The idea, of course, is seductive. You can be wildly successful, emotionally available, sexually liberated, exquisitely toned, spiritually evolved, and also, let’s not forget, kind, humble, and punctual.

Brown’s advice was aspirational, cheeky, and deeply consumerist: work hard, look fabulous, make money, have great sex, stay interesting. The “Cosmo Girl” wasn’t just liberated; she was optimized.

Of course, the contradictions were always baked in. “Having it all” assumed that time, energy, and resources were infinite. It ignored the realities of caregiving, pay inequality, mental load, and the human body’s limitations of staying awake 24 hours a day.

“Having it all” was about personal hustle. And as such, exhaustion was a failure of individual planning rather than a systemic issue.

While it may never have been Brown’s intent, she reportedly pushed back against her editors’ choice of title for her 1982 book— an ideal was born.

In 2012, backlash ensued. Anne-Marie Slaughter’s viral essay in The Atlantic, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” reignited the conversation. Slaughter, a former State Department official, argued that ambition wasn’t the problem, infrastructure was. The American workplace, she wrote, was still built for employees with full-time stay-at-home spouses, and until that changed, “having it all” would remain a myth.

In the years since, scholars, journalists, and everyday women have continued to explore the costs of the ideal. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild, in The Second Shift, found that women in dual-income households were still doing the majority of the domestic work, working a full-time job and then coming home to another shift of unpaid labor. Having it all meant doing it all.

Today, the conversation continues. There’s growing awareness of the mental load and emotional labor women carry. The remembering, planning, initiating, and worrying often disproportionately fall on women.

But before the temperature rises on inequality (because the blame game won’t get us anywhere), it’s worth noting: there’s a male counterpart to this burden. It may not look the same, but it’s equally insidious.

Alongside the rise of the “It Girl” in postwar America came the Don Draper archetype. The self-made man in the tailored suit: ambitious, stoic, strong, and endlessly competent.

If women were sold the myth of “having it all,” men were handed the responsibility of “providing it all”, often at the expense of their own emotional expression and vulnerability.

So, where does that leave us?

I would love to rebuild the system. One that offers paid family leave, affordable childcare, normalizes men as caregivers, and promotes flexible work cultures. I’d love to see our hyper-individualistic society shift toward interdependence: community care, shared responsibility, co-parenting, equitable partnerships.

But seeing as this little newsletter likely won’t spark a full cultural overhaul, we can just agree that it would be lovely, and working toward those goals are admirable and necessary.

In the meantime, I’ve noticed a few reframes that are trying to replace the “having it all” myth, but are still missing the mark.

One topic that’s been trending for a while is “work-life balance.” It’s a softer alternative. But balance implies a static state. Real life doesn’t balance. It shifts. Some seasons are career-heavy, others are child-heavy, and some are just heavy. To aim for balance is to treat life like a tightrope walk, with shame and isolation waiting below when you fall.

Another common refrain is: You can have it all, just not all at once. You can climb the corporate ladder, but you might miss your kid’s soccer game. You can be a hands-on parent, but you might have to slow down professionally. It’s a more realistic message, but still implies that “having it all” remains the ultimate goal, just with staggered achievements and a little less guilt.

Instead, I propose a better line of questioning: Do you even want it all? What is your “all”? And is the “all” you think you want truly yours, or just another story you inherited and forgot was fiction?

There’s a concept from game theory and life design circles about “knowing the game you’re playing.” Philosopher James Carse calls this the difference between “finite games” and “infinite games.”

Finite games are played to win. They have clear rules, defined players, and an end point.

Infinite games, on the other hand, are played for the purpose of continuing the play. You decide the rules and the players. It is less about victory and more about meaning, growth, and evolution.

“Having it all” is a classic finite game. There’s a timeline. A list of status milestones. A sense that if you just optimize hard enough, you’ll be successful, fulfilled, balanced, and adored.

But life doesn’t really work that way. Careers change. Bodies change. Families grow or fracture. What matters at 28 might not even register at 48.

“Having it all” from an infinite game perspective means choosing a life based on alignment right now, not achievement. It’s measuring success in moments that feel honest, resonant, connected, and alive.

So perhaps the question isn’t whether we can have it all, but whether we want what we’re chasing. Maybe it’s about letting go of the life you thought you were supposed to have, and making space for the one that’s still unfolding.

I don’t have all the answers. But I do know this: I want a few things that matter. And I want to experience those things deeply and well. And from there, I’m building my time, energy, and boundaries around them.

The Essentials

Your Weekly Toolkit

TIME MANAGEMENT FOR MORTALS

What if the real challenge isn’t how to get everything done—but how to choose what really matters? In this insightful and countercultural series, bestselling author Oliver Burkeman guides you through a radical rethinking of time. Let go of productivity hacks and perfectionism. Start living intentionally—with presence, clarity, and purpose. The link will get you 30 Days of FREE UNLIMITED ACCESS to the Waking Up App.

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BURNOUT AND HOW TO COMPLETE THE STRESS CYCLE

Burnout. We’re all experiencing it and we’re all desperate for a way through it. In this episode, Dr. Brene Brown talks to Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski about what causes burnout, what it does to our bodies, and how we can move through the emotional exhaustion.

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WHOLE BODY “YES”

I encourage you to listen to the full interview with Diana Chapman on Tim Ferriss’ podcast, but this is a guided experience she takes you through. The Whole Body Yes refers to a decision or commitment that feels aligned in your body, mind, and emotions. It’s not just intellectual approval or external obligation, it’s a felt sense of full internal agreement. If you are looking to get in touch with your body intelligence (like IQ and EQ, but BQ), her work is a great place to start.

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