THE SHIFT

Why do we self-sabotage?

Our understanding of mental health challenges is profoundly shaped by the cultural, philosophical, and contextual frameworks through which we interpret them.

Mental health phenomena, including self-sabotage, depression, and anxiety, are not fixed constants but rather they are profoundly shaped by the narratives we use to explain them.

• Taoist philosophy conceptualizes self-sabotage as resistance to life's natural flow, suggesting that healing emerges through aligning oneself with nature's rhythms rather than forcing predetermined outcomes.

• Native American teachings frame mental health challenges as disconnections from spirit, community, and the natural world, with healing centered on restoring these essential bonds through ritual, narrative, and collective support.

• Hindu traditions might view self-sabotage as a misalignment with one's dharma or the manifestation of unresolved karma, proposing paths to wellness through spiritual practice, guidance, and ethical living.

• Contemporary psychological approaches broadly diverge into two methodological streams: Thought-focused therapies – including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Solution-Focused Therapy – conceptualize self-sabotage as emerging from maladaptive thought patterns and cognitive distortions. These approaches emphasize cognitive restructuring and behavioral experiments to cultivate more adaptive ways of thinking and acting.

• In contrast, emotion-focused therapies – encompassing Psychodynamic, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic approaches – view self-sabotage as rooted in unresolved emotional experiences and unmet early attachment needs. These modalities understand self-sabotaging behaviors as adaptive strategies that serve essential protective functions but are now limiting long-term growth. This approach finds healing in deep emotional exploration, understanding patterns' protective purposes, and resolving internal conflicts through emotional and somatic processing.

Why does this matter?

Understanding context is important because how we frame our struggles profoundly shapes both our understanding and our path to healing. 

What one culture might see as pathology or a disorder to be “fixed”, another might view as a spiritual awakening, a call for communal intervention, an opportunity for growth, or even an expected phase of life.

Ultimately there is more than one path to growth and healing and integrating multiple teachings might be the best way to help yourself. 

Signs of Self-Sabotage

In exploring the signs of self-sabotage, it’s important to acknowledge that these behaviors or patterns can manifest differently across cultural contexts. 

Many readers may find themselves straddling multiple cultural frameworks. Those navigating between collectivist and individualistic worldviews often find themselves in a delicate dance: balancing the collectivist emphasis on community harmony with individualistic pursuits of personal actualization. 

This cultural duality can create confusion, as individuals may struggle to reconcile their sense of self with their responsibilities to the broader group. If you find yourself caught in the middle of two cultures and want more information on this, I’ll be posting a lengthier article soon.

From a Western or individualistic lens, self-sabotage manifests as a paradoxical rebellion against one's own success—a pattern where individuals unconsciously undermine their goals, aspirations, or potential. 

Self-sabotage can look like:

Behavioral Signs

1. Procrastination

   • Consistently delaying tasks, especially those related to important goals or opportunities.

2. Perfectionism

   • Setting unrealistically high standards, leading to paralysis or avoidance of action.

3. Avoidance

   • Dodging opportunities, conversations, or responsibilities out of fear of failure or success.

4. Overcommitment or Overworking

   • Pushing oneself too hard or engaging in tasks to the point of exhaustion as a way to avoid confronting deeper issues or emotions, which typically leads to burnout. 

5. Starting but Not Finishing Projects

   • Consistently abandoning goals or projects midway without a clear reason.

6. Substance Abuse or Addictive Behaviors: 

   • Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, or overeating to numb feelings of fear, inadequacy, or stress.

7. Self-Isolation: 

   • Withdrawing from social, work, or family settings out of fear of judgment or failure, leading to loneliness and missed opportunities for connection.

Cognitive Signs (Thought Patterns)

1. Chronic Self-Criticism and Negative Self-Talk

   • Belittling oneself or minimizing achievements, often leading to feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

2. Impostor Syndrome

   • Feeling undeserving of success or doubting accomplishments despite evidence to the contrary.

3. Fear-Based Thinking

   • Overthinking worst-case scenarios or assuming failure is inevitable.

4. Blaming Others or Circumstances

   • Attributing setbacks to external factors instead of recognizing internal patterns.

5. Rigid Thinking

   • Beliefs like “If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing at all.”

Emotional Signs

1. Low Self-Worth

   • Persistent feelings of inadequacy or undeservingness.

2. Chronic Anxiety or Fear

   • Worrying excessively about outcomes or the opinions of others.

3. Feelings of Guilt or Shame

   • Believing success or happiness is undeserved, often rooted in trauma or cultural dynamics.

4. Resistance to Positive Change

   • Feeling uncomfortable or even sabotaging situations where progress or success is possible.

Relational Signs

1. Conflict Creation

   • Picking fights or creating tension in relationships, especially when they are going well.

2. Pushing People Away

   • Avoiding intimacy or withdrawing from supportive relationships.

3. Struggling with Boundaries

   • Either refusing help or over-relying on others to the detriment of personal growth.

4. Difficulty Accepting Praise or Support

   • Feeling uncomfortable when others recognize achievements or offer encouragement.

5. Resisting Help or Support: 

   • Avoiding seeking guidance or support, either out of fear of judgment or a belief that you don’t deserve help or cannot succeed with assistance.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior

As outlined above, the approach to ending the self-destructive cycle depends entirely on the context of the person's beliefs. 

True healing might lie not in adhering to a single framework, but in weaving together diverse wisdom traditions to create a more nuanced and comprehensive approach to personal growth.

No matter the perspective, we must start by recognizing the inner conflict and internal misalignment, whether between reason and emotion, ego and spirit, child wounds and adult ambitions, individual and community, or self and natural world, we will follow tension like a road map. 

Here is a starting point:

Reflection and Self-Inquiry 

• Identify Competing Desires: This exploration often reveals compelling dichotomies: the executive who craves success yet unconsciously engineers failure, the artist who yearns for recognition while systematically avoiding exposure, or the lover who desires intimacy while constructing elaborate emotional fortifications. Recognize when your behavior contradicts your values or long-term goals.

• Work with Your Inner Child: Inner Child Integration: Working with your inner child is less about "fixing" past wounds and more about understanding how your earliest experiences shape your current patterns. Consider it an archaeological expedition into your psychological foundations, where childhood coping mechanisms—once brilliant survival strategies—may now manifest as self-sabotaging behaviors. Instead of criticizing these patterns (like perfectionism to earn love, or people-pleasing to ensure safety), approach them with anthropological curiosity: what challenges was your younger self trying to solve, and what emotional needs remain unmet? By initiating a compassionate dialogue between your adult awareness and these earlier versions of yourself, you can honor the intelligence behind these adaptive strategies while developing more mature alternatives. This process requires exquisite attention to the subtle ways childhood experiences continue to influence adult responses, creating space for both acknowledgment of past wisdom and gentle evolution toward new patterns.

• Sabatour and Wise Voice - Particularly intriguing is the relationship between our "saboteur" voice and our inner wisdom. The saboteur—that internal critic whose rhetoric we've internalized from society, family, and trauma—often drowns out our deeper knowing. Yet rather than attempting to silence this voice, which often serves as a misguided protector, we might instead cultivate a dialogue between our wounded parts and our higher self. This approach acknowledges that self-sabotage often began as self-preservation.

Through practices like meditation, ritual, journaling, mindfulness, or contemplative prayer, we begin to illuminate the shadowy corners where self-sabotaging patterns lurk.

Empowerment Through Responsibility

• Extreme Ownership: It suggests that while we needn't blame ourselves for past trauma, we must claim absolute responsibility for our present choices. This paradoxical stance—being both compassionate about our wounds and uncompromising about our agency—creates a powerful foundation for change.

• Emotional Listening and Response: Rather than viewing emotions as adversaries to be controlled, develop a nuanced relationship with your emotional landscape. Consider emotions like fear and anger as sophisticated intelligence-gathering systems—evolutionary mechanisms designed to convey crucial information about your environment and needs. This approach involves developing what we might call "emotional literacy": the ability to differentiate between reactive patterns (where old wounds hijack your present) and relevant emotional data that deserves attention. For instance, when fear arises before a presentation, rather than automatically retreating into procrastination, pause to decode the emotion's message. Is it highlighting genuine areas for preparation, or simply replaying old stories of inadequacy? This discernment allows you to respond strategically rather than react habitually.

• Field Research of the Self: Approach your patterns with the methodical curiosity. This involves systematic observation of your internal landscape—noting not just what you do, but the subtle triggers, thoughts, and sensations that precede action. Pay particular attention to inherited patterns: family traditions of "playing small," cultural messages about success, or generational trauma responses that may unconsciously guide your behavior. Create a detailed map of your self-sabotaging behaviors: What precisely triggers them? What immediate relief do they provide? What longer-term costs do they exact? This rigorous self-study moves beyond simple awareness into strategic analysis, asking: "What vital function did this pattern once serve, and what more sophisticated strategy might serve that same function now?" 

• Experiment with Micro-Adjustments: Perhaps most compelling is the role of experimentation in this process. Rather than attempting wholesale transformation, we might engage in what could be called "psychological microadjustments"—small, strategic shifts in behavior that gradually recalibrate our internal system. For instance, someone plagued by perfectionism might experiment with deliberately submitting "good enough" work, tracking the actual (rather than catastrophic imagined) consequences.

Cultivate Community Support

• Despite our individualistic culture, humans are wired for connection. While self-sabotage often feels deeply personal, its roots and resolution frequently lie in our connections with others. Whether through formal therapy, spiritual community, or trusted relationships, others often hold mirrors that reveal our blind spots and offer perspectives that challenge our limiting narratives.

THE ESSENTIALS
This section includes relevant resources, articles, strategies, techniques, frameworks, videos, people to check out, and links to strengthen your psychological resilience and emotional intelligence. Think of it as a metaphorical toolkit filled with "tools" to help manage stress, emotions, challenges, and mental health conditions.

• Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset Quiz - Embark on a journey of self-discovery with our mindset quiz, meticulously crafted on the groundbreaking research of renowned psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck. Delve into the depths of your beliefs and perceptions as you navigate through a series of thought-provoking questions designed to uncover your mindset tendencies.

• Body Scan Meditation - Jon Kabat-Zinn is Professor of Medicine Emeritus and creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Kabat-Zinn was a student of Buddhist teachers such as Thich Nhat Hanh and Zen Master Seung Sahn and a founding member of Cambridge Zen Center. His practice of yoga and studies with Buddhist teachers led him to integrate their teachings with those of science. He teaches mindfulness, which he says can help people cope with stress, anxiety, pain, and illness. The stress reduction program created by Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness-based stress reduction, is offered by medical centers, hospitals, and health maintenance organizations.

• Intimacy Inventory - Esther Perel offers a free list of questions that helps people explore their behaviors, motives, history, and what they bring to their relationships. The inventory is designed to help people examine their fears, expectations, wounds, and strengths without judgment or prejudice. The goal is to help people identify challenges and map out changes they'd like to make.
  

GETTING IN TOUCH

For more information:

If you or someone you know is looking for a therapist, I still have 2 spots available!

Like what you’re reading:

It would mean a lot to me if you would recommend the newsletter to someone who might benefit!