Living in the Space Between Extremes

At any given moment, we hold multiple truths that seem to conflict—feeling love and disappointment toward a friend, experiencing joy in the midst of grief, or recognizing both strength and vulnerability within ourselves.

The term for this experience is dialectic. It refers to the internal conflict of opposing psychological forces within the mind. As one of my professors in graduate school memorably described it—it is the "bothness" of life.

At its core, "bothness" refers to a way of understanding the world by holding and integrating opposing ideas or truths. Instead of seeing things in black-and-white terms, the dialectical approach seeks to find balance, synthesis, and nuance.

Unfortunately, we're not naturally skilled at holding ambivalence. We can blame our roots in Aristotelian logic, which tends to favor analytic thinking. Opposing ideas, emotions, experiences, and realities cause such great tension that we instinctively want to reject this discomfort—like two magnets repelling each other. When faced with contradictory propositions, we feel compelled to resolve, eliminate, or choose between them. We want to categorize and label, to break down complex problems by resolving contradictions and finding a single "correct" answer.

What's Happening in Our Brain?

When the brain encounters conflicting beliefs, emotions, or information, it experiences cognitive dissonance—a psychological state of mental discomfort. This discomfort activates brain regions like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which monitors conflict and errors. The brain seeks to reduce this tension by resolving the inconsistency, leading to a preference for clear, consistent narratives.

The human brain is also a pattern-recognition machine. It relies on schemas—mental frameworks—to quickly interpret the world. Ambiguity disrupts these mental models, and the brain attempts to resolve contradictions by fitting information into existing patterns to restore cognitive order.

Why Is It Hard to Sit with Ambiguity?

• Emotional Discomfort: Holding contradictory truths feels deeply unsettling. It feels safer to quickly categorize things as “good” or “bad” rather than sit with ambiguity.

• Cognitive Load: It's mentally easier and faster to dismiss than to engage with complex, uncomfortable ideas.

• Identity Protection: People often reject ideas that threaten their worldview. Resolving the conflict allows individuals to maintain coherent narratives about themselves and the world.

How We Cope with Contradictions

When faced with internal contradictions, we respond in different ways:

• Splitting (Either/Or Thinking) – Seeing things in black-and-white terms to avoid ambiguity.

  • Example: "That person hurt my feelings. I need to cut them out of my life completely."

  • Example: "If my career choice isn't perfect, it must be wrong."

• Compartmentalization – Keeping conflicting parts of ourselves separate to avoid inner conflict.

  • Example: A person who values environmental protection yet works for a polluting industry might mentally separate their professional role from their personal values.

• Integration (Both/And Thinking) – Holding opposing truths without needing to resolve them.

  • Example: "I love my partner deeply AND sometimes I feel trapped by commitment." Or "This job is both fulfilling my professional goals AND limiting my personal growth."

The Middle Way

The bothness approach accepts contradiction as a natural part of reality—constantly changing, inherently fluid—viewing opposites not as contradictions but as complementary forces. This perspective sees dualities as interconnected and context-dependent.

When opposing forces interact, they can produce a new, more complex truth that transcends simple categorization. Healthy psychological functioning depends on integrating these opposing experiences, developing comfort with nuance and complexity, and staying cognitively flexible.

How to Integrate

1. Sit with the tension - Recognize tension as a signal there might be rigidity in this area. When you notice this, resist the urge to make quick decisions or rush to closure. Integration requires the capacity to tolerate emotional discomfort rather than rejecting or avoiding it. Shift from either/or thinking to a both/and mindset.

2. Stay open to ambiguity - By holding the bothness, you open the possibility of a third, superior solution that synthesizes elements of both positions or finds something completely new. You allow time for deeper insights to emerge. Accept that some questions don't have clear answers and that truth is often multifaceted.

3. Name the Conflict – Identify and articulate the opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. The practice of explicitly naming contradictory emotions you're experiencing simultaneously reduces emotional reactivity, according to research.

   • Example: "I admire this person's intelligence, AND I their attitude is frustrating."

4. Cultivate curiosity – Rather than seeking certainty, ask open-ended questions like "What else could be true here?" If you feel stuck, explore another angle.

   • Example: "I feel betrayed, AND this person may have acted out of fear rather than malice."

5. Give Yourself Permission to Not Know - Acknowledge that you don't need immediate answers and that ambiguity is part of the process. It doesn’t have to be resolved right now. Clarity will come with time. 

   • Say to yourself, "I am allowed to hold this tension without forcing a solution." 

A significant benefit of this work is enhanced self-discovery and growth and increased empathy. Wrestling with opposing beliefs can reveal hidden aspects of yourself—parts of your identity you hadn't fully explored—while simultaneously expanding your capacity to understand the complex motivations and experiences of others.

Key Ideas About Holding the Bothness:

1. Opposites Can Coexist – Two seemingly contradictory things can both be true at the same time.

2. Synthesis – When two opposing viewpoints are explored, a new, more complete understanding can emerge.

3. Change Through Tension – Tension between opposites isn’t something to avoid—it’s a catalyst for growth and deeper insight.

Resources for your emotional & mental toolkit - including articles, strategies, techniques, frameworks, videos, people to check out, and links.

5 Second Rule

Mel Robbins' 5 Second Rule is a transformative TED Talk (and now a book) that introduces a simple yet powerful tool to overcome procrastination, self-doubt, and fear. The rule is straightforward—when you feel the urge to act on a goal, count down 5-4-3-2-1 and immediately take action before your brain talks you out of it. Robbins explains how this five-second decision-making tool can help you break negative habits, boost confidence, and take control of your life.

The Four Agreements

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a powerful guide to personal freedom and spiritual growth, rooted in ancient Toltec wisdom. The book outlines four simple yet profound principles to transform your life. If you don’t have time to read the book, here is a simple PDF that captures the core principles.

Overcoming Bad Inner Voices

"Overcoming Bad Inner Voices" is an insightful video by The School of Life that delves into the origins and impacts of our internal negative dialogues. It explains how these detrimental inner voices often stem from past external criticisms—such as disapproving parents or harsh teachers—that we've internalized over time. The video emphasizes the importance of recognizing these influences and offers strategies to cultivate more supportive and constructive internal dialogues, thereby enhancing self-esteem and overall well-being.

"Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative & creation, there is one elementary truth - the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one commits oneself, then providence moves, too.

All sort of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents & meetings & material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe