How to Stop Keeping up with the Joneses...and Goldsteins and Müllers and...everyone else

Imagine our ancestors huddled around a campfire, sizing each other up—who's the best hunter? Who has the most resources? Who is the most skilled at bartering? Who'd make the most promising mate? 

Comparison offered valuable information—determining which alliances would ensure survival.

Our brains haven't changed much since then—we're still using the same neurological circuitry that once helped us survive. The difference is that modern technology and capitalism have amplified our comparison instincts to dizzying heights.

Advertisers have piggybacked off this tendency, convincing us that if we want to be the best hunter, we need a Hoyt carbon fiber bow for "precision shooting," Nike Vaporfly running shoes with aerodynamic benefits for enhanced predator acceleration, and an $800 Apple Watch Ultra 2 to "quantify our hunter strain."

The Exposure Spiral

Further fueling this comparison cycle is the sheer extent of exposure. In the past, people only had to compare themselves to their immediate surroundings—their neighbors, coworkers, and maybe college friends.

Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist, proposed that there is a cognitive limit to how many stable social relationships humans can maintain, which is about 150 people. This is due to the size of our neocortex (the part of our brain involved in social behavior and relationships). 

While modern technology may be expanding this capacity, our brains are wired to process social information within a limited network of relationships, not the thousands we're exposed to through social media today.

Now, you're not just keeping up with the Joneses next door—you’re competing with the Goldsteins in their Manhattan penthouse, the Nguyens vacationing on their Sydney Harbor yacht, and the Müllers with their successful Berlin tech startup. The Joneses look quaint compared to your global peer-pressure network.

Every day, we’re exposed to an extreme mix of inspiration and inadequacy.

Your social media feed becomes a highlight reel of others' achievements. Each scroll brings a new reminder of what you haven't accomplished.

While social comparison helps us develop our self-concept and identity, many of us get trapped on the negative end of the spectrum, equating self-worth with material wealth and personal achievement.

Understanding how comparison affects mental health is the first step toward building healthier relationships with ourselves and our goals. When we’re caught in constant comparison, it can lead to anxiety, chronic dissatisfaction, self-loathing, and depression.

Like the fish in water who doesn’t know what water is – we often fail to recognize how our environment constantly pushes us toward comparison.

It's not a personal failing—it’s a feature of our modern world. The system is designed to make us feel this way—to keep us striving, spending, and never feeling quite enough.

The Science Behind Social Comparison

Social comparison theory, first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, suggests that humans have an innate drive to evaluate their abilities, opinions, and circumstances by comparing themselves to others.

Modern research has expanded this understanding, showing how social media algorithms specifically exploit this tendency, feeding us content that triggers comparison and engagement.

There are two primary types of social comparison:

• Upward Comparison – Looking at those we perceive as better off (e.g., wealthier, more successful, more talented). While this can motivate growth, it often triggers feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, or frustration, depending on how you interpret the comparison.

• Downward Comparison – Looking at those we perceive as worse off. While this can provide temporary relief or a self-esteem boost, it often leads to guilt (“They have it worse than me, so I shouldn’t complain”) or a sense of inferiority (“I’ll never be like them”).

Breaking the Cycle

I’ve heard many suggestions on how to stop comparing yourself:

• Turn Comparison Into Inspiration – Instead of feeling jealous, use others’ success as motivation.

• Practice Gratitude – Regularly remind yourself of what you do have. Gratitude shifts focus from what you lack to what you’ve gained.

• Limit Social Media Exposure – Platforms like Instagram and LinkedIn often show only highlights, not struggles. If certain accounts make you feel less-than, mute or unfollow them.

Each of these can be helpful, but if comparison is deeply ingrained, you might need another approach.

The real question isn’t whether we compare ourselves to others—we do, and we always will.

The question is: How do we break free from the obsessive cycle of comparison and find genuine contentment in our own journey?

Uncover Early Influences

While our evolutionary drive for survival plays a role in social comparison, modern psychology reveals that our relationship with comparison is far more complex, often rooted in our earliest experiences and cultural conditioning.

A powerful starting point is to ask yourself: Why do I really want what this person has? [Don’t judge yourself, just get curious.]

Our childhood experiences create deep-seated templates for how we seek validation and engage in comparison:

• The "overlooked child" might pursue bodybuilding because being physically impossible to ignore feels like the antidote to invisibility

• The child who received love conditionally based on achievements might develop an insatiable need to prove their worth through job titles and raises

• Those who experienced sibling rivalry might feel compelled to "one-up" every story in conversation, unable to simply listen and relate

• The child praised only for helping others might pursue a career focused on serving others and volunteer their time and money to others while ignoring their own needs

Here’s what’s important to understand: uncovering these early influences doesn’t invalidate your desires.

If you discover that your drive for success is partially rooted in childhood experiences of feeling “not enough,” it doesn’t mean your ambitions are wrong. Rather, this awareness allows you to recognize the forces at play when feelings of envy, jealousy, and comparison arise.

Recognize the Illusion 

It’s also important to recognize that much of what we think we want is simply programming and the game is rigged to keep you chasing. We've been conditioned to measure our worth through external markers of success—the prestigious zip code, the enviable vacation photos, the number of followers on X, the designer labels, the elite university pedigree. But the truth is:

1. These comparisons are rarely fair or complete - People showcase their victories while hiding their struggles, creating an artificial ecosystem where status is measured primarily through displays of wealth, beauty, travel, and lifestyle.

2. As soon as we acquire something that's supposed to make us feel "enough," the bar moves.

3. Advertisers exploit our insecurities by presenting products as solutions to our feelings of inadequacy. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out/Objects) is manufactured to drive consumption.

Understanding this programming doesn't mean you need to opt out of society entirely. Instead, it allows you to make more conscious choices. 

Know Your Game

Much of our distress comes from unconsciously playing games we never chose—games that don't align with our values, circumstances, or priorities. The real power move isn't winning someone else's game; it's defining what’s actually meaningful to you and choosing your own game.

Consider these scenarios:

• An artist honing their craft shouldn't measure themselves against the influencer with thousands of followers. Artistic mastery does not include fleeting trends or virality—it’s about depth, originality, and the impact it leaves.

• A couple building a deep, authentic relationship shouldn't compare their journey to the perfectly filtered #couplegoals posts. Real relationships aren't meant to be rupture-free; they're measured by the ability to repair and grow stronger.

• Someone steadily building wealth through careful investment shouldn't measure their progress against cryptocurrency millionaires who got lucky in the digital gold rush. Investing includes a lot of waiting and doing nothing. 

Have the courage to step off the comparison treadmill entirely and pursue the life you want with intention, regardless of what others are chasing.

Choosing Your Path: A Three-Step Framework

Step 1: Define Your Game

If you don't consciously choose your game, society will gladly choose one for you—usually one that prioritizes external validation, status, and material success. Instead, ask yourself:

• What brings me alive? Not what impresses others, but what makes me lose track of time?

• What kind of impact do I want to have?

• What would success look like if no one else could see it?

• Which activities make me feel most like myself?

Step 2: Understand the Trade-offs

Every game has its price tag, and it's usually not displayed to others. Consider:

• The seven-figure CEO missing their child's first steps

• The travel influencer so busy staging sunset shots they never actually watch one

• The fitness model who can't remember their last indulgent meal with friends

• The cryptocurrency millionaire who can't sleep at night watching their wealth fluctuate

When you envy someone's game, ask yourself: "Am I willing to pay their price?" Often, you'll realize you don't actually want their life—you were just seduced by the marketing.

Step 3: Master Your Lane

Once you've chosen your game and understood its costs, comparison becomes irrelevant. This isn't about competing with others; it's about competing with your previous self. Ask:

• How can I be 1% better than yesterday? (growing, learning, and improving)

• What unique perspective can only I bring? (looking at your a unique blend of skills, interests, and perspectives)

• How can I contribute value in a way that's authentic to me?

As Paul Graham insightfully notes, there are two types of success:

• Status games (zero-sum): If someone else rises, you feel like you fall. 

• Creation games (positive-sum): Someone else’s success doesn’t take away from yours; it expands possibilities.  

The key is shifting from competition to contribution.

A Perspective from the Future

During my years as a personal trainer, I often asked my clients (mostly 45+) “If you were my age again, what would you want me to know so I could live a better life.” The patterns were interesting:

Women consistently wished they had found their voice sooner and stopped caring what people thought.

Men frequently regretted prioritizing "safe" careers over passion and missing family moments in pursuit of professional achievement.

Imagine yourself at 80. Ask: "Will my 80-year-old self care about this comparison, or will they wish I had focused on building my own meaningful path?"

Hey runners: Do you qualify for RunDot’s new research opportunity?

The RunDot Project is an annual research initiative. It helps runners reach their true performance potential through optimized run training.

RunDot athletes improve running performance 3.2x more than non-users and see positive changes in 30% less training time.

Qualified participants will also receive 2 free months of run training.

Who qualifies?

Those who meet the following criteria:

• Train with a device with GPS capabilities

• Have not used RunDot or TriDot in the last 12 months

• Not a professional runner

• Enthusiastic and motivated to reach their running goals

Does this sound like you?

Click the link below to learn more about RunDot and apply.

Resources for your emotional & mental toolkit - including articles, strategies, techniques, frameworks, videos, people to check out, and links.

The Window of Tolerance:
This is a concept in psychology that describes the optimal zone of arousal where we can think clearly, manage emotions effectively, and respond to stress in a balanced way. When we’re within this window, we feel grounded and capable of handling life’s challenges. The key to emotional resilience is expanding our Window of Tolerance through mindfulness, self-regulation techniques, and nervous system care. By recognizing when we're outside our window and using grounding strategies, we can return to a state of balance and well-being.

The 90-Second Rule:
There is a debate in psychology and neuroscience — do thoughts create emotions, or do emotions generate thoughts? No matter which side of the debate you stand on (My clinical work takes the stance that emotions come before thoughts) this can be a helpful framework to consider when emotions get difficult. Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that when we experience an intense emotion—anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety—the chemical process in our brain lasts just 90 seconds. After that, she argues that any lingering emotional response is fueled by our thoughts and mental narratives. 

The Stress Bucket:
The Stress Bucket is a simple yet powerful way to visualize how we handle stress. A little stress is normal, but when too much accumulates without relief, the bucket overflows, leading to anxiety, burnout, or emotional exhaustion. The key to maintaining balance is having effective "taps" to drain the bucket. Healthy coping strategies like exercise, mindfulness, social connection, rest, and creative outlets help release stress before it becomes overwhelming. On the other hand, poor coping mechanisms—such as avoidance, overworking, or unhealthy habits—may temporarily distract us but don’t effectively drain the bucket. Read about it here.

“If you avoid the conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.” 

Cheryl Richardson

Did someone forward you this email?

If you’re ready to move from chaos to clarity, this is the newsletter for you!
Join me here every Sunday morning.