​​When I think about what unites us as humans, I find myself returning to Gertrude Stein's line in "Midnight in Paris" – "We all fear death and question our place in the universe."

The same core insecurities and fears echo through the generations of individuals who sit in the chair across from mine. Their questions hover silently in the space between us: "Am I enough?" "Is what I'm feeling normal?" "Am I fundamentally broken?"

Ironically, every person I've sat with has been terrified to voice these questions, fearing the answer might confirm their worst suspicion: that they alone are irreparably damaged. I too have wondered these things.

This paradox continually astounds me: We are profoundly similar, yet feel existentially alone in our struggles. We share an innate hunger for belonging that transcends background and circumstance. We experience heartache as a physical sensation that threatens to collapse us from within. And without exception, we question whether we alone have failed to measure up to some invisible standard that everyone else seems to meet effortlessly.

Stein continues, "It is the artist's job not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence."

People often ask, "How do you contain all that suffering? How do you shoulder people's problems day after day?" It is the therapist job not to succumb to despair but to bear witness, and in doing so, undo the aloneness of existence.

Our struggles, though unique in expression, are our shared language.

1. “What's the point of feeling painful emotions?”

Painful emotions, like grief, anger, or sadness, contain vital information that helps us navigate relationships, protect ourselves, and understand our needs.

When we allow ourselves to fully experience and process these difficult emotions, we gain access to essential emotional truths. The truths, once integrated, foster greater authenticity, resilience, and a sense of wholeness.

• Painful emotions serve important functions:

• They provide information about what matters to us

• Processed emotions eventually decrease in intensity

• Emotional awareness helps us understand our needs and boundaries

• Many painful emotions are connected to core values (grief reveals what we've loved deeply; anger highlights what we value and believe deserves protection)

The goal isn't to dwell in pain but to move through it rather than around it. When we suppress emotions, they often manifest in other ways - physical symptoms, displaced reactions, or sudden outbursts. Paradoxically, avoiding difficult emotions typically amplifies them in the long run.

I often hear clients express a common fear: "I'm afraid to feel these emotions because they might completely overwhelm me—I'm worried I won't even be able to get out of bed." This concern makes perfect sense. When emotions have been bottled up for extended periods, they can accumulate like a mountain of backlogged feelings. In these situations, I encourage validating this fear while committing to processing just one bite-size moment or feeling at a time. Working through this process with a therapist provides valuable support and guidance.

2. "Why do I keep repeating the same patterns even though I know they're unhealthy?"

Pattern repetition happens for several reasons:

• Intellectual understanding doesn't automatically translate to emotional learning

• Patterns often serve protective functions we haven't fully recognized

• Familiar patterns, even painful ones, provide a sense of security and safety

• Many symptoms are actually adaptations that once helped you survive

• Early conditioning creates neural pathways that require consistent effort to rewire

• Change requires vulnerability — which can feel threatening

Breaking entrenched patterns requires a multifaceted approach: understanding the original adaptive purpose of the behavior, identifying specific triggers, and practicing alternative responses while maintaining self-compassion throughout the learning process. That’s a lot to hold!

When we venture into a growth edge, it is going to take several passes before you change. Recognizing micro-accomplishments becomes essential. Consider rumination as an example: If you tend to fixate on a single negative detail until it consumes you entirely, the practice of "catching yourself in the act" evolves gradually. Initially, you might notice your rumination after three hours of spiraling thoughts. With continued practice, you recognize it after two hours, then one, progressing until you can identify the precise moment that triggers the spiral. At that point, you can pause and acknowledge: "I see where you were headed, mind," redirecting your attention toward what truly matters.

3. "How do I forgive someone who hurt me deeply?"

Forgiveness is often misunderstood.

Let’s distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process that can happen without reconciliation with the person who caused harm. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean restoring the relationship nor does it condone harmful behavior.

Forgiveness is primarily for your benefit, not the offender's.

In therapy, I focus on creating safety and processing trauma before even addressing forgiveness. Forgiveness often occurs gradually rather than as a single decision. It usually begins with "unforgiveness work" - fully acknowledging the impact of what happened. The point is to help you release the emotional burden of anger, resentment, and pain. Forgiveness typically follows a process of validation, grief, and meaning-making.

Forgiveness is a personal choice that should never be forced or prescribed. If you are ever feeling pressured by someone to forgive before you’re ready, consider shelving that person’s advice. Premature forgiveness can interfere with healing. The truth is that forgiveness may be part of healing for some people but not necessary for everyone.

4. "How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?"

Here is the truth –if you haven't practiced setting boundaries in a long time—or ever—you will almost certainly feel guilty when you begin.

Feeling guilty signifies that you still have a pulse and a heart that cares. But guilt is not an indication that you made the wrong choice.

You might even encounter guilt's counterintuitive cousin— feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. In other words, you feel relief after you put up a boundary, and those good feelings make you feel guilty. In these moments, focus on the liberation you feel. If it feels like a weight lifted and you can breathe again – it was the right choice.

Here’s what you need to know. Boundary struggles often stem from:

• An absence of models demonstrating healthy boundary-setting in your formative years

• Early conditioning that equated love with self-sacrifice or self-abandonment

• An overwhelming fear that expressing your needs will result in abandonment

• Acute discomfort with others' emotional reactions, leading you to avoid boundary-setting to prevent conflict

• Confusion between boundaries (which protect relationships) and ultimatums (which threaten them)

Effective boundary work involves clarifying your core values, starting with small expressions of need, employing clear and direct language, and developing a tolerance for the discomfort that inevitably arises.

Boundaries aren't walls constructed to isolate you from others. Rather, they function as clearly marked pathways that allow for deeper, more authentic connections. As Brené Brown notes, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." When we establish boundaries with compassion and clarity, we create the psychological safety necessary for genuine intimacy.

Healthy boundaries actually strengthen attachment by allowing both individuals to maintain their separate identities while moving toward each other.

5. "How do I know if my relationship is worth saving?"

If you're asking this question, part of you likely already recognizes something fundamental isn't working. There's often a cognitive dissonance at play—one part of you clearly perceives the reality of your situation, while another part finds that truth too painful to fully acknowledge. This divide doesn't necessarily indicate the relationship must end, but it suggests you're confronting something that may not be sustainable in its current form.

This question requires nuanced consideration. Here are essential factors to evaluate:

• Whether there's a foundation of respect and safety

• If both partners demonstrate willingness to take responsibility for their contributions to problems

• Whether your core emotional and practical needs can be adequately met within the relationship

• If the relationship functions as a catalyst for growth rather than a constraint on your development

• The difference between normal challenges and fundamental incompatibilities

• If both partners can, as Esther Perel suggests, tolerate the "paradox of intimacy"—balancing closeness with autonomy

Remember that all relationships face challenges, but sustainable relationships maintain respect, safety, and the capacity for repair even during conflict. As relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman notes, successful couples aren't those who never fight but those who fight fairly.

6. "What would you do if you were me?" (Bonus)

I never answer this question directly. Sometimes I'll reflect it back: "What do you think I would do?" Other times I might gently reframe: "I'm curious what you're really asking when you want to know what I would do. Are you looking for permission to make a choice you've already identified, or are you hoping I might see an option you haven't considered yet?"

This question typically emerges when someone stands at a difficult crossroads and feels the weight of consequential decision-making. It often signals a desire to temporarily escape that burden by transferring it to someone perceived as wiser or more objective. Sometimes it reflects a deeper fear—not about making the wrong choice, but about taking responsibility for any choice at all.

The question also sometimes reveals a person's disconnection from their own wisdom. Years of having their instincts invalidated or overridden can create a profound distrust in their ability to make sound judgments. In these cases, my job isn't to provide answers but to help reconnect them with their innate knowing—that quiet voice that often already understands what needs to be done but has learned to doubt itself.

By redirecting rather than answering, I honor the complexity of their situation while reinforcing their capacity to navigate it successfully, even when that navigation involves uncertainty and discomfort.

Being With & Shark Music - The Best Parenting Video
🔵 Being With refers to the ability to sit alongside someone’s feelings—whether joy, fear, or frustration—without rushing to fix, judge, or dismiss. It’s about offering a safe, secure presence where emotions are welcomed and validated. This kind of connection fosters emotional regulation and a stronger sense of security.

🦈 Shark Music represents the discomfort or anxiety caregivers may feel when a child’s behavior triggers unresolved feelings from their own past. Just like the tense music in a suspenseful movie, these emotional echoes can make us react rather than respond. Recognizing our "Shark Music" is the first step in managing it, allowing us to stay present and meet children’s needs more effectively.

The Anxious Crocodile
"In Between" is a poignant 2012 animated short film produced by students at Gobelins, l'École de l'Image in Paris. The narrative centers on a young woman perpetually shadowed by a crocodile, a vivid metaphor for her debilitating social anxiety and the internal battles faced when confronting one's fears. This constant companion disrupts her daily life, hindering her interactions and personal growth. The protagonist's journey reflects the universal struggle of overcoming personal obstacles through self compassion.

Body Awareness Grounding Techniques
From Mental Health Center Kids, this PDF is designed to help manage anxiety, stress, and trauma by focusing on the present moment through activities that stimulate various bodily sensations. This digital download offers practical coping skills to enhance mindfulness and emotional regulation in young individuals.