THE SHIFT

What One Year of Writing Has Taught Me

1. Slow Down to See Clearly

In almost every piece I’ve written this year, the same theme emerges: slow down. Pause. Take a breath. Do anything that interrupts the automatic pattern at play and gives you space to notice what’s actually happening.

When we try to change any behavior, emotional response, or thought pattern, the first step is reflection. Slowing down enough to observe what happened, why it happened, and what you might want to do differently next time is where transformation begins.

2. Be Generous With Yourself

Alongside slowing down comes something equally vital: compassion. You can’t hate your way into healing. Just as learners thrive on positive feedback, so do we when we’re trying to change. Most of us could stand to be much kinder to ourselves.

One of the ways I help people cultivate self-compassion is by viewing their behavior through the lens of protection. Even if what you’re doing or feeling seems irrational, in the right context, that reaction once made perfect sense. So when your response feels disproportionate to the event, it’s likely an old wound reappearing. Meet it with the kindness it deserved at the time but likely didn’t receive from another.

3. Lean Into the Hard Thing

If you’re feeling resistance, you’re probably headed in the right direction. Whether it’s having a difficult conversation, setting a boundary, or changing the way you speak to yourself, the discomfort is a signal that something meaningful is being touched.

But just know that it won’t change in one try. If a pattern has been in place for years, say, staying silent when someone makes a hurtful joke, one attempt won’t undo it. You’ll likely stumble, freeze, or need to try again when using your voice. Repetition should not be looked at as failure. Pushing into the hard thing again and again is the process of change.

4. Nothing Is Only What It Seems

There are always multiple truths. At any given moment, there are countless perspectives you could take, each equally valid. Psychological health is determined by your psychological flexibility — the ability to move between perspectives rather than cling to just one.

Even our memories are tinted by the lens through which we recall them. This doesn’t mean gaslighting yourself into pretending things were fine when they weren’t. It means being willing to look at pain and also ask, “What else might be true?” Sometimes that curiosity alone creates the distance we need to see more clearly.

5. Being Witnessed Is the Antidote

Again and again, I’ve seen that healing doesn’t come from the perfect intervention or the most eloquent words. It comes from presence. When I am authentically myself, when I risk being real, naming my feelings, limits, or confusion, it invites the other person to do the same.

Authentic presence and attunement are inherently regulating. And something shifts when you refuse to look away from another’s pain, shame, or fear. I believe disconnection is what breaks us. Connection, being witnessed, is what heals us.

6. Everything Coexists

One of the earliest roots of dialectical thinking comes from Heraclitus (c. 500 BCE), who said, “You cannot step into the same river twice.” Change and contradiction are inherent in everything. Truth often emerges through the tension of opposites, what one of my professors called the bothness of life.

Ambiguity is hard for most of us, yet learning to hold multiple truths at once, joy and grief, love and frustration, certainty and doubt, is a form of wisdom.The better you become at holding opposing realities, the more flexible your thinking becomes — improving problem-solving, decision-making, emotional regulation, and relationships.

7. Experiencing Emotion Transforms It

Emotions are meant to move. When we allow ourselves to stay with emotion, not analyze it or suppress it, but feel it through in the presence of another, the emotional state changes on its own. Pain softens into relief, fear into knowing, shame into self-compassion. 

Core emotions — sadness, anger, fear, joy, disgust, excitement, and tenderness — carry vital information. These emotions guide us toward what matters, what’s missing, or what needs protection.

8. Repair Matters More Than Perfection

Conflict and misunderstanding are inevitable. The goal is not to prevent rupture but to learn to repair well. When conflict happens, it is the courage to return, to acknowledge, to take responsibility, to reconnect. Every time we successfully navigate a moment of disconnection, the relationship becomes more resilient. Repair is where trust deepens. Many of us need our nervous systems to know that connection can survive conflict.